The Clothes Paradox

You would think that red mud everywhere, 100 plus degree-days, hand washing all clothes, no clothes dryers, and crappy (or no) showers would be an acceptable excuse to be mildly dirty and slightly unkempt. Wrong.

I’ve never felt more pressure to make sure my clothes are without wrinkles or to wear accessories and high heels as I do in Paraguay. And that’s saying something because I worked in PR in Washington, DC before coming to Paraguay.

Paraguayans scrub their sneakers weekly. Women wear bows in their hair on the daily. After watching an almost two-hour soccer game in the blazing sun, I’m sweating like a river and have serious sweat stains while my Paraguayan friends still look fresh in their neon t-shirts and tank tops and their flesh-crushing, tight jeans. When I walk from my house to the school, I get mud on my shoes and/or feet. But, my students always have shiny-clean sneakers. How they manage to avoid the mud is something I’ll never know.

I struggle walking from my house to the church in my flip-flops because of the sand and the rocks while my Paraguayan friends walk delicately in their three-inch wedges.

I don’t care how much deodorant I put on, at some point the heat makes me smell lightly stale. I’ll let you know when I find a Paraguayan with BO.

It’s a paradox. It’s almost as though because it’s so easy to be clean in the States we don’t judge people if they decide to dress like the stereotypical hippie. As long as people don’t smell, usually American’s couldn’t care less what someone wears to a baseball game. Well, Paraguay is different. Watch out what you wear, people notice.

Let’s Talk Bugs

Is this a cockroach or a cricket…or could it be both? How likely is this spider to end up in my bed? Is it worth turning on all the lights, finding my broom, and unlocking the door to sweep out this beetle I just killed or should I just leave it to those little red ants that will eat it by morning? 

These are the kinds of questions I ask myself on the daily. “Bugs” has a whole new meaning when you live in the tropics. There are just so many bugs, of all sizes. I’ve never had so many encounters or seen so many different kinds of spiders, beetles, and other creepy crawly things in one place. And, that one place is my apartment. The question is no longer whether there are bugs in my house, but, rather which of those bugs I’m willing to live with and which I will demolish to the best of my ability.

Other common questions I ask myself:

About spiders: Is this spider poisonous? If it is, does that mean I should kill it? How many other bugs is this spider going to kill? Usual conclusion: Well, if it stays along the edge of the room and away from the toilet and bed I won’t kill it.

About roaches: How did it get so big and shinny? Does its presence mean there’s a nest of roaches I haven’t found yet? What’s on hand to smack the hell out of this bastard? If I miss the first time, what direction is it most likely to run, and is there anything that it could hide under I should clear now? Usual conclusion: I wish roaches were scared of the smell of their fellows dead.

About moths: What was that thing that just flew across my light and cast a shadow? Moth, do you really have to make that annoying tapping noise by flying into the light? What is your purpose in life? Usual conclusion: It doesn’t bite; let it be.

About mosquitos: Why are there always mosquitos hanging out on my bathroom walls? Where did these mosquito bites come from? Is it worth spraying my doorframe with bug repellent? How can I position my fan so the mosquitos won’t bite me? Usual conclusion: The mosquitos in my house are assholes.

About ants: Who knew there were so many kinds of ants? How did you find that already…I left that dead bug there maybe 20 minutes? Did you really have to bite my poor foot? Why do you insist on coming into my house? What is the likelihood that those there ants will bite me if I sit/step here? Usual conclusion: Ant bites come directly from hell. They itch. They hurt. And, they take forever to heal.

A New Kind of Crowd

Perhaps you’ve heard of the term “machismo,” the dictionary definition is “strong or aggressive masculine pride.” It’s often used in Spanish class to describe Latin American culture. It’s usually mentioned along with a comment about how women’s rights in Latin America leave something to be desired.

Nine months in Paraguay and I’ve had the opportunity to experience both these popular Latin American studies topics first hand. But this post isn’t about the catcalls and hanks I get when I walk down the street—after talking to other female volunteers, especially blonds, it seems I’ve been mostly spared on that front.

This post is about the female, teenage students who performed a spectacular skit about decision-making and social pressure in my class and were greeted by an appalling response from their male classmates. And, this is about how those female students thought that response was normal and almost a compliment.

The plot of the skit was this: Boyfriend asks girlfriend to have sex. Girlfriend asks friends for advice and they say, “go for it” because there are no repercussions and he might leave you if you don’t. Little sister overhears the conversation and tells mom. Mom confronts girlfriend, and we learn that girlfriend hasn’t even told her mother she’s dating. Girlfriend sneaks out and has sex. She gets pregnant and when her mom finds out she gets kicked out of the house.

A team of students wrote the skit. When it was time for them to perform the skit they went and changed into their “soccer game best“: Nice sundresses, wedges, tights, tight jeans, and moderately revealing tops. In the school where I teach the students wear uniforms.

As soon as the girls changed and came back into the classroom their male classmates greeted them with catcalls and a litany of comments about how they looked. The girls smiled and posed. Throughout the skit this male commentary didn’t stop. It was as though the two actors playing the girlfriend and boyfriend were actually having sex in the classroom.

Often machismo is a little subtler and I have to think to notice it, but sometimes it is acute. Culture can’t be changed in one-fell-swoop, but I wish those young women didn’t have to live their lives that way.

Kids, everywhere!!!

In my community, and all the communities I’ve visited in Paraguay (except Asunción), there are tons of children everywhere I go. It’s a huge change from all the places I’ve previously lived.

I’m not sure why there seem to be so many babies, toddlers, and kids. True, the average family is larger here than in the States, but the average number of children a Paraguayan woman has is less than it once was. Perhaps it has more to do with the number of women who have children at all. From observing my community and others in Paraguay, most women have children; and they have their first child well before they are 30.

It could have something to do with the climate and way of living itself. The line between indoors and outdoors is blurred in Paraguay. People spend a large portion of their days outside of their houses. Many families cook most of their meals outside and use their patios as the living rooms they don’t have. It’s hot here, and few families have AC. Outside, in the shade, is cooler than inside.

Houses tend to be clustered. Most families don’t have large plots, or at least don’t live on large plots. And, houses are often built without a living room or other common room. This encourages people to go outside and makes it feel like the neighborhood is filled with people. A walk down the street requires greeting people sitting in front of almost every house.

Children tend to have more freedom to wonder around in my community than children of the same age might in the States. It’s not that they go far from home without an adult, but rather they run between the houses of their relatives (because families of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins live in the same couple of blocks) which gives the impression that kids are running wild and free.

As soon as children aren’t toddlers anymore they learn how to look after babies and toddlers. There’s no one here who doesn’t know how to hold a baby, and everyone seems comfortable playing with babies. As girls get older, they are given more responsibility and take care of their younger siblings and cousins while their mothers work.

Patience and love for children appears universal, though I’m sure there are exceptions. The idea of “I’m good (or not) with kids” is irrelevant here because children are simply part of daily life.

Fans Are Not

Fans are not just machines that move air

They are a breath of fresh air in the heaviest of heat

If you cower in their wake

You might, MIGHT, not sweat so much you have to change your shirt

But, you probably will

Fans are not just machines that move air

They are sound machines

When those neighbors insist on sleeping with bachata piru playing

Or like to blast cumbia and polka at odd hours of the pre-dawn morning

Neutralizers, battles avoided

Fans are not just machines that move air

They are clothes dryers

It’s deadly sunny, except when you need clothes real quick

Then it’s damp and moldy giving everything a musty smell

Fans don’t get rid of the smell but they do evaporate water

Fans are not just machines that move air

They are mosquito protectors

All the mosquitos in my house are assholes, they insist on biting

Luckily their wings are weak, WEAK

Blow fan blow

Fans are not just machines that move air

They are refreshers

Set them up at one side of your house

And they’ll push all the air out the other side

Savior, my little hovel gets stale every time I leave for a couple of hours

Fans are not just machines that move air

They are greater than sliced bread

Make clams seem depressed

Ingenious is what they are

Brilliant. Hope. Essential.

Music Is Culture

Before leaving for Paraguay a friend who’s had some experience working abroad told me that I’d miss things I didn’t even like when I was in the States.

I was doubtful.

She was right.

For me, the thing is music. During my first few months I missed rap music. I had fewer than 20 rap songs in my music library before Paraguay. That’s changed, but I still wouldn’t call rap my jam. My longing for rap foreshadowed my realization that music is a huge part of my identity, which I wasn’t aware of before the music I’m used to wasn’t the norm anymore. I didn’t think much about music in the States. Ask my sister. She was not impressed to discover that after 4 years of college and then some I added maybe 30 songs to my iTunes from when I set it up at the end of high school until I hurried to get more music to bring to Paraguay.

In Paraguay, the most common music listened to is: bachata piru, polka, and cumbia. Also, some younger people and people who think they’re hip listen to raggeaton and a random selection of US pop songs. If you dig deeper, you’ll find that my generation and younger also listen to a lot of romantic music, Latin pop might be the genre, and some US rock. There’s also a Bob Marley following.

To put it another way, the diversity of music listened to in the US is not reflected in Paraguay. I’m sure you can find people listening to just about any group somewhere in Paraguay, but the simple fact is that what’s blasting at 4 o’clock in the morning or 7 p.m. on Sundays is bachata piru, polka, or cumbia.

For me, music is something you listen to while doing something else—unless you are playing an instrument or singing. I have playlists for cooking and cleaning, for writing, for lesson planning, and for exercising. Each activity requires a different mix of music and depending on how I feel that day I might need a new list. I can’t listen to the same song on repeat and there are very few songs that I’d like to hear more than once a day. Also, I like to have times of silence.

In Paraguay, listening to music is an activity. So much so, that people will say, “let’s listen to music.” They will then turn their stereos up way louder than I would, sit down, and proceed to listen to music. They might drink terere while listening to the music. There is one variation on this. For some Paraguayans, music is something you listen to from the moment you get up until the moment you go to bed. What this means is that you have loud music from the crack of dawn, Paraguayans get amazingly early every day, until bedtime.

I never thought music would be where I feel the most conflict integrating in Paraguay, but it is. I didn’t realize how music influenced my mood. Nor would I have thought that listening to bachata piru, polka, and cumbia would make me feel more out of place than the stares I get when I walk down the street sticking out like a sore thumb because of my clothes, the way I walk, my skin color, and the fact that I’m walking alone.

Is there a solution? I swap music with Paraguay youth who like American music. Maybe I’ll bring them and their friends further to the “dark side”…also known as US rock, pop, rap, R&B, and alternative. I put on a smile when I have to listen to cumbia all day and then go home and put on some Martin Sexton, Paul Simon, or Bruce Springsteen—not just because I like them, but because they are classics from my childhood. After I listen to a few of my songs I’m ready to go out again, I might even turn off my music and listen to my neighbors’ music for a while.

Real Fear: Heat

The other day it was over a 100 degrees Fahrenheit, and it’s only spring. On that day the water worked intermittently during the hottest hours of the day, but I still managed 3 showers. The power went out several times during the night. I dread the day when the water doesn’t work all day and it’s hot (I refuse to imagine a long power outage)—so far I’ve only survived those variables independently, but the inevitability that I will encounter both together one day is nerve-wracking.

My little house, as I like to affectionately call it, does not have AC. All I’ve got is a floor fan, which I move around the room with me like it’s my shadow.

My community gets a 5 o’clock shadow—as in, anywhere I want to walk before 5 p.m. has no shade, just beating sunrays. The school doesn’t have AC. They have ceiling fans, but not all the fans work and even when they do work it’s still bloody hot for an old New Englander like me.

The health post is an oasis. There is one room in the health post that has AC. I foresee spending many summer hours in that one somewhat dark room where the walls are lined with baby alimentation posters, medical record folders (paper ones), and whatever medications we have.

Don’t worry! There is a comical side to this whole heat debacle. While I’m dripping sweat like a glass of ice water on a summer’s day, my Paraguay comrades are sitting drinking terere. There’s not a drop of sweat on their faces and their clothes are still perfectly pristine. “Haku” they say when they see me, which means “hot” in Guaraní. I always respond “haku” enthusiastically and comment how I miss the snow. Reflecting, I’m starting to think they say it not because they think it’s particularly hot but because I look like I’m boiling. It’s a good indirect way to say, “You look terrible, are you okay?”

Don’t Suffer, Fix It

You don’t need to come all the way to Paraguay to find little inconveniences in life. Maybe the sink drips. Maybe the door squeaks. Maybe the table rocks. Whatever it is, it works but it could be better. It wouldn’t be hard to mend but instead you let yourself deal with these little things for months, for years… What exactly keeps you from fixing them? What keeps you from making them better or eliminating them all together? Why would you deal with small annoyances rather than resolve them?

You don’t know how to fix them?

You’re lazy?

You’re too shy to ask for help?

You tell yourself that it’s only going to be for a little while?

I’ve come to ask myself these questions. I’m not lazy and I know how do fix most basic things in my house. But, still I don’t. Paraguay adds a level of complexity because I don’t always know where to get the materials I need to fix something, but that’s not an excuse.

I had an epiphany recently—why let myself suffer if I can fix the problem? Thinking about my current situation, I’m going to live in my house two years. That’s not a petty amount of time.

I find the scenario of inaction interesting. I can come all the way to Paraguay to try to help people improve their lives. But, somehow, I overlook the necessities in my own home—I should be able to fix my wardrobe knob, refresh the concrete in my bathroom, and build/get enough shelving.

My new motto: “Don’t suffer, fix it.”

Check back in a couple months to see if I’m living my motto or just blowing smoke.

Home

My little house on top of the hill, my community, has become my home. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but it’s happened.

I know because when I leave site I wonder what’s going on in my community. I worry that my house will be infested with mold or bugs, so far I’ve been lucky, when I get back. When I’m sleeping somewhere else, I think about my own bed with its silly mosquito net that is too small. I miss my milk over a banana, peanuts, and chia seeds breakfast. I miss my own yerba and my music.

I’ve known for a long time before Paraguay that I can endure almost anything as long as I have a home base in which I feel safe and happy. My apartment, with its brick-red walls and high, cobwebby ceiling is just that base. Maps, postcards, quotes, and to-do lists are plastered on the walls. Tons of empty bottles, leftover from a previous volunteer, clutter the corners of my one-room home. Nothing but furniture legs touch the constantly damp cement floor—even my shoes have raised resting places.

I have my normal walking route, my favorite house-front store, and the families I like to visit most. I have my places of work, and at least most of the youth in the community know who I am—I like to think their parents know too.

I have my free-time activities; I finished drafting a novel the other day. I have the same feeling that my work is never done and I could be doing more—just like the over-achiever in me felt in the States. I’m getting better at sitting and just drinking terere.

I have to pinch myself to believe it, but this little nook of Paraguay, a place I almost didn’t know existed less than a year ago, is my home.

A Selfish Sadness

Two volunteers from my group left Paraguay recently to return to the States—one might come back, but until then we’re down two (plus the two who already left). Those who left filled a specific niche in my group of volunteers that will remain empty until we all finish our service.

Peace Corps has turnover just like any job, so these departures from my group may seem routine. But, they don’t feel that way to me, one of those left behind.

I know when volunteers leave it’s because they are moving onto something better for them. I also know that those of us staying in Paraguay have good reason to carry on proudly. Despite this knowledge, it’s a confidence shaker each time someone decides to go.

When volunteers leave early, I find myself asking if I still believe in what I’m doing. I find myself wondering if Peace Corps is truly what I want. I feel a selfish sadness—selfish because I question whether their absence will impact my ability to finish my own 27 months. It’s a selfish sadness because I know they are returning to the States where they have their family, their friends from before, and their mother culture while I’m staying in Paraguay where I have none of those things.

As one might imagine, the sting of losing a group member fades with time. However, with these two recent cases a doubt as to whether or not the circumstances of the departure could have been avoided lingers. This doubt has come to faintly tint my view of the Peace Corps. The departures are a reminder of how I am facing many of the challenges of life in Paraguay alone. My feeling of aloneness led to loneliness. The loneliness will pass, but I don’t think the semiconscious feeling of aloneness will.