I didn’t cry but my heart was heavy in November 2016 when I carefully folded up the American flag I’d always hung in my room and placed it safely in a box, making sure it never touched the ground. I folded it the way my father had taught me, which was the way his father (WWII and Korean war veteran) had taught him. As I folded the flag, I looked for tatters suggesting it needed a proper retirement—it didn’t. I swore that I would not hang the flag again until my country made me proud. Until my country no longer betrayed the promises on which it was founded.

The election in 2016 felt different than the others I’d experienced. There was a pit in my stomach about the future after November 2016 even though as a dreamer I am always hopeful about the future. It was uncharacteristic of me to care much about politics. I felt heavy. I told myself to wait and see how things unfolded. I told myself that US institutions were strong so it was unlikely that much would really change.

I was raised to believe the reality of the American dream. I took it as actuality that you could do anything and be anyone if you tried hard enough. However, as I grew older, I came to wonder if that was actually true.

My skepticism of the American dream increased as I worked through college. We all have our own challenges, but it’s hard not to notice how easy it is for rich kids to do unpaid internships and lead organizations that set them up for great success after graduation while poor kids work and try to fit in the internships and organization memberships they know are key to getting their dream job. That’s if the poor kids were lucky enough to go to college at all.

This year I no longer question the American dream because the beat of the American dream fell silent as a heart monitor goes flat when a heart stops forever. What took the place of my old belief that in America hard work is rewarded and anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps was a bitter taste. The bitterness was a truth I’d always known but refused to look in the eye: the American dream is an illusion. We don’t all have an equal crack at reaching our dreams. Some of us can climb, but the journey is largely about luck. Hard work pays, but being born the privileged sex and gender, class, and color pays more.

In the past 4 years I’ve seen America steal children from their families and put them in cages and call it justice. I’ve seen men supported and allowed to take positions of power despite overwhelming evidence that they had sexually abused women. I’ve seen the armed forces deployed against citizens, and I’ve seen military members accept that deployment.

I’ve seen so many people of color jailed and killed in the name of justice we could erect a memorial like that to the Vietnam War on the National Mall with their names and it would be more impressive than any war memorial. Just like for the soldiers who died in Vietnam, the people who were killed for their skin would have their names written on panels of black stone. Roses and notes would rest at the panels’ base, a tribute to the years the humans named there weren’t allowed to live and to the loved ones who miss them. When I lived in DC I visited the National Mall and Arlington Cemetery often. I visited these war memorials because it seemed the worst fate was to die and be forgotten. To have your name unspoken and your life discredited.

I’ve seen open fire on people in schools, places of prayer, and movie theaters. I’ve seen cities stopped by a pandemic, a virus that continues to kill and, yet, Americans would rather endanger grandmothers and grandfathers (possibly murder them with their breath) before wearing a mask.

I’ve seen taking part in global organizations and dialogue, environment protection, and offering refuge from persecution declared as no longer American.

Every time I’m bold enough to open the news I see more evidence that the American dream is not only dead but was never alive. Have we always been so cruel and hateful toward people different from us?

And I am angry. I know anger accomplishes nothing. Yet, as it becomes clearer how far America is from a country whose flag I’d proudly wave, I am angry and weary. I’m angry because so many of the horrors we’re seeing unfold today have always been there unaddressed. I’m angry because those in the highest places of power are clinging to the status quo which is one where only a select few are favored. I’m angry because the institutions I thought I could trust are weak.

Somehow, in the middle of a pandemic that has killed many globally and protests demanding equity long overdue, we must continue to live our lives. To love, work, study, and play. In some ways it is so easy to continue as if life were normal, even though 2020 has exposed many things that need our attention. Despite the desire and freedom to ignore what has been exposed this year, it would be an error to pretend that everything is okay. Should we choose to punt addressing our problems to a distant future, then it is not just the American dream but also America that has died. America is a place where all people have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and our country isn’t there yet.

I can’t help but reflect on how my life in a rural town is so different from that of someone living in NYC were people died in droves from COVID-19 and more people than the population of my hometown marched the streets to protest violence and inequity these past months. And just the tranquility of my life this year compared to many of the lives led by NYC dwellers illustrates how far we have to go to ensure that we all have a crack at life, liberty, and happiness.

As I slide closer to my second year of medical school, I continue to wonder what more I can do and what my role is in making America a place I’m proud to call home. When I think of action I am less angry, still weary, and very determined that though it will be a long journey, I might fly my country’s flag again. And while I don’t think I’ll live to see the American dream feel real again, I hope that we will lift ourselves closer to a society where every person is judged more for their work and kindness and less by factors present at birth such as the wealth of their parents and the color of their skin. I think if we can move forward, change, then we might call ourselves Americans with the meaning the American dream implied.