Tag Archives: People

The Strength of a Mother

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Her son was dying. Yes, we were keeping him alive in that moment, but he was dying anyway. We could not fix what was killing him; it was simply too progressed. There was no way out except death. We knew this and, perhaps, he knew it too as the soul peeking through his eyes became more distant and the fear that had been there was replaced by blankness. He was too sick to make his own decisions. The decision about what to do fell upon his wife. Having to make decisions about the end of her husband’s life tormented the patient’s wife. He was a fighter and he had always told his wife he wanted to live. The patient’s wife could not imagine life without her husband. She felt alone. She feared past demons reemerging when he left her. Yet, the fact remained that this wife’s husband, this mother’s son, was dying. As the plan stood, he was dying slowly.

It was under these circumstances that the mother and wife sat down to talk with us, the patient’s care team, to discuss how the plan could change to reduce suffering. We described the options. There was the option to continue forward as we were; using every medication and intervention we could to keep the patient alive. We explained that this would be futile and would still result in death, but the decision was theirs. The second option was to stop the medications and interventions keeping the patient alive and replace them with medications and interventions to keep him comfortable. We could not predict the future. We guessed he would die within days if we turned off the medications currently keeping him alive. He would die more quickly without medications to raise his blood pressure and transfusions to replace his red blood cells and platelets, but he would not suffer because we would treat every symptom he had from pain to breathlessness and anxiety to insomnia.

After we described the above options, the wife began crying. She accused the healthcare system of missing something. Of not doing everything. If emotions were tangible, then this wife was the physical manifestation of agony. That’s when the mother spoke.

“This is not their fault. I believe them… I believe that they have done everything they can.” The mother paused. “I have cared for my son his whole life. I have loved him and fed him. He is my son. I will not see my son suffer. I do not want my son to suffer like this.” The mother paused again. “My son is already gone. I see it in his eyes. He is not there. It is time to let him go.”

The conversation unfolded between the mother and wife. The care team was there as witness but it was not our conversation. It was not our right to decide what happened next.

“I am all alone. I am afraid,” the wife said.

“You are not alone. You have me,” the mother said. “And if you have me then you have my people because they do what I say. I will stand by you.”

The patient was one of this mother’s children. The mother was old enough to have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the days leading to this conversation, it became clear how large her family was from how many visitors the patient had. The mother sat tall and confident. She spoke with sadness and wisdom. She spoke as someone who had seen others die before.

“I will not see my son suffer. Let’s do this together. We will do this together. Let him go,” the mother said. “I know my son. He is gone. You can decide, but I will not visit again because he is already gone.” The mother paused and held the wife’s hand. “We will do this together. We will mourn together.”

The patient died less than a day after he was transitioned to medications to treat only his symptoms. Most of his family had seen him prior to his death. I will never know how the story of the wife and the mother unfolded after the patient’s passing. Yet, I believed the mother when she said she would be there for the wife. From the conversation I witnessed it was evident that the patient’s mother knew more about life and death than most people; she had a knowledge gained over her lifetime. She also knew her son as only a mother could. The guidance and support the mother offered the patient’s wife as the patient died were some of the bravest acts I’ve witnessed.

She Must Be Just a Number to You

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“You see so many patients, she must be just a number to you,” the patient’s son said as he watched me perform the official exam declaring his mother dead.

“We care about all our patients and take the best care of them we can. Of course, I haven’t known your mother for as long as you have. You’ve known her your whole life,” I said. I finished my exam. I stated the time of death, gave my condolences, and left the room.

I had pronounced a patient dead almost daily that week. During this patient’s exam my emotions were not the emotions of a son who had just lost his mother without much warning. My emotions as the patient’s physician could not be the same as her son’s. I was sad, of course, but I also knew we had done everything we could for her. As a physician I must balance being emotional and being clear-headed so that I can make objective decisions about how to help patients with their medical challenges.

In medicine we push to the edge of current scientific knowledge, yet we are not capable of magic or miracles. We cannot predict the future and we cannot stop the inevitable. Death is part of life. Since medicine in the science of life it inherently involves death.

As a physician my mission is to prevent and cure disease and reduce suffering. A lot of suffering can happen when a person is gravely ill. Part of my job is to recognize when the fight for life is futile. Once the fight becomes futile, anything we do to prolong life also prolongs suffering. It is at the time of futility that I can offer a path that leads to greater comfort and death with dignity. This path requires a shift from a goal of prolonging life to one of promoting comfort. To stop fighting death is not a decision to take lightly. Further, the decision must be made by the patient or their appointed decision-maker (when the patient is too sick to decide). I can only offer guidance as part of the patient’s care team.

This patient, the mother of this son, had fought for her life. She had maxed out every treatment we could offer. She had failed other treatments. When she was worsening, we called the family to come into the hospital. When everyone who needed to be there was at her side, we turned off the medications and interventions that were keeping her alive. We did this because to keep those medications and interventions going would not save her. She would die regardless. She was suffering. Most importantly, she had made it clear when she was well that she would not have wanted to keep going in these circumstances.

When we turned off the medications and interventions keeping her alive, we gave the patient medications to treat her discomfort. She had pain, shortness of breath, and anxiety. She died shortly after we changed our approach from treatment to comfort. She died peacefully and surrounded by the people most important to her. None of this struggle made her a number. She was a person who had fought bravely and died with dignity. And, sometimes, that is all we can offer in medicine – a place that illuminates a person’s intrinsic bravery and permission to stop struggling.   

I have seen and will see many people die. My role in these circumstances is not a counting role. As a physician I ensure my patients get the best treatment available when there is a fight to have and the most comfort possible when there is no fight left. My role is to adhere to their wishes regarding their life and death as best as I can within the constraints of medicine. These are serious responsibilities that are both rewarding and harrowing. Rewarding because I know my patients receive the best care we can offer and a death as close as possible to what they would want if they had a choice. Harrowing because it is hard to lose someone I cared for and because I feel each patient’s loss, not as a friend or family member, but as a partner in the patient’s battle against death.

Being a physician has made me realize exactly how people aren’t numbers. It is my job to learn my patients’ stories and to partner with my patients to tackle their health goals. What happens to my patients is partially a reflection of how well I did my job and partially a reflection of the complexity of being human. The depth of the patient-physician relationship is part of the reason I chose medicine. My patients’ stories are sometimes tragedies and my relationship with my patients is sometimes difficult, but the opportunity to heal, cure, and reduce suffering is enough to make those challenges worth it. I am grateful for the opportunity to take part in my patients’ lives. Grateful even if we meet under extremely unfortunate circumstances. Grateful even if we meet at the end of their life.

Lost to Follow Up

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Two different cancer screening tests came back positive. The patient needed additional testing to see if they had these cancers, but the threat was real and could be life changing. As the months went on, the referrals I had put in for the follow up tests came back – “unable to reach patient,” “failed scheduling effort,” and finally “referral canceled as unable to reach patient, reorder if still clinically indicated.” The patient missed their follow up appointments with me. I saw, however, the ongoing social work notes in the chart. Half of these notes stated they couldn’t reach the patient and half suggested contact. Perhaps it made sense that this patient wasn’t attending to their cancer diagnosis/rule out follow up appointments. This patient had big fish to fry without cancer. They were struggling with drug addiction, didn’t have secure housing, and weren’t sure where they’d get their next meal. The electronic chart, filled with short notes attempting objectivity written in the same font used in 1980s faxes, told a story. The story was both an epic and a tragedy.

This patient was lost to follow up. Would we ever find out if they had cancer? Did it matter? Would they die before medicine could help them? Was medicine really what they needed? As I watched the story unfold, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs surfaced in my mind. This patient’s basic needs weren’t met – food, safety, and a place to stay. Cancer was so high up the pyramid of needs it seemed silly to discuss. Though, was it really that high up the pyramid? I know what cancer can do.

Health is multifactorial. Only one piece of health is access to quality healthcare. This patient was focusing on several nonhealthcare pieces of health – safety and security of the physical body. Perhaps they were also focusing on finding their next meal. Perhaps the recreational drugs they used were treating demons of a past filled with trauma. This patient was part of a healthcare system with robust social services to help with social problems like housing and food insecurity. Interestingly, the social services this patient could access are exceedingly rare in the US. Most health systems don’t provide these services and most insurances don’t cover them.

I hoped the patient’s basic needs would be met. I hoped that when those needs were met, they’d return to clinic so we could start the cancer investigation process. I hoped it wouldn’t be too late. Even as a physician I don’t get to write the story of other people’s lives. As the story in the chart unfolded, I was grateful that the patient was receiving social services. I was frustrated that in most other US healthcare systems a different patient in the same situation would receive no help of any kind.

“Lost to follow up” is the phrase we use for patients who disappear from healthcare. It’s a term that provides a label, but it doesn’t explain where these patients go and why they disappear. The label can have negative connotations because it’s easy to be frustrated when patients don’t want to take our (their doctors’) advice and follow our carefully designed plans. It’s easy to forget our patients (just like us) are products of the social determinants of health. It’s easy to forget (just like us) they have lives filled with complex situations regardless of their use of healthcare.  

I’ve found that it’s worth stepping back and trying to see why patients decide to become lost to follow up. When I do this, I often discover that they aren’t lost at all. Rather, they are fighting for the most important things in their lives at that time. And the important things they see are usually different than the important things I see. Since patients are the experts in their own lives, they are often right about what’s most important. Frequently nonmedical things have a greater influence on patients’ decisions than their health needs as dictated by their doctor.

As the alerts came to my inbox for missed tests, I thought about the patient the first (and only) time I met them. They had answered all my questions thoroughly and without hesitation. I wondered if I’d see them again. I hoped they returned to clinic before anything devastating related to their maybe cancers happened. I cleared the alerts. The patient would write their own story; I’d be here if they invited me to partake in another chapter of it. Even tragedies sometimes have plot twists and happy endings. I always (and unwaveringly) root for happy endings no matter how stormy the story becomes. 

References:

Wikipedia on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Article on the importance of the different determinants of health: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26526164/

HHS overview of the social determinants of health: https://health.gov/healthypeople/priority-areas/social-determinants-health

WHO overview on the determinants of health: https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/determinants-of-health

I Don’t Let Anyone Die Alone

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I saw the nurse sitting calmly at bedside. I knew she was the night nurse; it was shift change. Usually, the end of a nursing shift is busy with finishing tasks and telling the next nurse about the patients they’re taking over. I got up to check on the nurse and the patient. We’d just transitioned the patient from full code to comfort care. “Comfort care” means no life-prolonging measures – just medications and other interventions to help people be comfortable as they die. Minutes earlier I had put in the comfort care orders.

“Hey, do you need anything else?” I asked the nurse. “I only put in a few orders and just wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing anything you need.” The nurse was holding the patient’s hand.

“No. They’re dying now,” the nurse said. She was looking at the vitals monitor; I shifted my gaze from her to the monitor too. The blood pressure was 15/0 (recall that normal is 120/80). The heart electrical line (usually a dramatic up and down) was flat. The patient was taking agonal breaths (the last gasps a person takes as they die; they aren’t true breaths). The patient’s eyes were blank. I had known that the patient would die that day but it was happening faster than I expected.

“We let the patient’s pastor know, but she won’t make it for another half hour or so,” I said. The patient didn’t have any family. They had listed their pastor as their emergency contact and the person who would make decisions for them when they couldn’t make decisions for themself.

“I know,” the nurse said. “That’s why I’m here. I’ll be here. I don’t let anyone die alone.”

The nurse sat quietly on a chair next to the patient holding their hand. I stood with her and the patient for a little while watching the monitor. Eventually I left the room and got my stethoscope. When everything on the vitals monitor was zero, the nurse closed the patient’s eyes gently. I did my exam and determined the time of death. Next time I looked at the room there was a picture of a butterfly on the closed door (alerting people that the patient inside had passed).

When I looked at the room later in the day the bed was empty and made with new linens. It was as though the patient from the morning had never been there. Yet, I remembered the nurse and patient holding hands as the patient’s heart stopped forever. I did not know what the patient did when they were alive but, at least, I knew they hadn’t died alone. I was reminded that small acts change lives. I was reminded that heroes only wear capes in movies. I wondered how many people die alone – I was grateful that this patient wasn’t one of them.

The State of Being Human

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Being human is an uncomfortable affair at times. No one, perhaps, knows the state of being human better than the internist (internal medicine, my residency) who passes between managing patients in the primary care setting and the hospital setting.  As I gallop toward the end of my first year of residency, I can say with growing certainty exactly what the normal state of being human is.

Being human involves hemorrhoids, knee pain, and back pain. It involves debates (whether internal or external) about what to eat throughout every day and whether to exercise. And if exercise is on the menu, the question becomes: What kind of exercise should one do? Being human involves the occasional-to-frequent stuffy nose and nonspecific ache. It involves external stress such as work, family, and accidents as well as internal stresses like low mood (all the way to depression), anxiety, and difficulty sleeping. Being human involves getting older day by day, grumbling about this certainty, and knowing that the only alternative is death.

One role of internists (and emergency medicine doctors) is helping people sort out if their current uncomfortable state is on the normal spectrum of the human experiences or is out-of-the-ordinary enough to be life-threatening or to cause lasting impairment/injury. Take the classic question, “is my chest pain because my heart is injured?”

The answer is “maybe.” Moving the maybe to “unlikely” or “likely” a heart attack is where medical training and medical tests come in.

If you’re 20 years old and two days ago lifted the heaviest weights you’ve ever lifted and come to me with chest pain, I’ll start by pushing on your chest. If you then tell me that pushing on your chest makes the pain worse that’s enough information for me to say that your pain is likely soreness in the muscles that you worked out and does not involve your heart. To be safe, I could order some tests to confirm my hypothesis. I might not need the tests but if I see you in the emergency room, I’ll probably order them.

If you’re 60 years old and you don’t really have chest pain but, rather, mid-chest pressure as if someone is sitting on your chest…you’ve caught my attention. And if you then tell me that this chest pressure used to only occur when you mowed the lawn but now also occurs when you walk from the couch to the bathroom my concern for a blockage in the vessels that feed your heart is high. I will most definitely order some tests to explore my hypothesis.

I’ve heard hundreds of chest pain stories. With a story I can sort chest pain into categories including “likely normal life chest pain” and “likely heart chest pain.” I have exams and tests to further help me determine if the chest pain is directly related to heart injury. If I’m still concerned even after my first tests are negative, there are additional tests I can order.

One of the most satisfying aspects of being a doctor is helping people move past the uncomfortable affair of humanness so that they can maximize the joyful aspects of being human. Because being human also involves doing well. It also involves getting promoted at work and having kids. It also involves traveling and parties. It also involves loved friends and family. Being human also involves adventures and creative undertakings. It also involves feeling good and achieving goals. It also involves sitting on the pouch relaxing and glorious naps. It also involves conversations while sitting on the couch or at a café. It also involves sipping favorite beverages in favorite places on perfect evenings.

The state of being human is one of contrasts. Medicine occupies the space between the uncomfortable and joy of being a human with the aim to tip the scale back toward joy when things go awry. Medicine doesn’t have all the answers, but it outlines a system for exploring physical and mental discomforts and offers possible solutions. Part of what makes a good doctor is knowing exactly what the normal states of being human are so that we can quickly identify situations that deviate from the range of normal and intervene.

How Strange to Be Unable to Name a Daffodil

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“We saw daffodils!” I said. My voice sang with an enthusiasm that only such a definitive sign of spring could coax from me on such a rainy, gray afternoon in February. My co-resident looked at me blankly. The importance of a daffodil passing through their genius brain just as the medical terminology doctors like to use pass through patients’ ears – jargon without meaning, hardly in and definitely right out. “You know, it’s one of the first flowers of spring. I saw it in the park.  They’re yellow…” I gave up and the conversation moved on to other topics.

Doctors are more diverse than we once were, but our makeup doesn’t come close to mirroring the population we serve. My visible profile is common in the medical world – white (always very common) and female (slightly more females are entering medicine than males these days). Yet my unseen profile, my story before medicine and path to medical school, is unusual for a doctor.

Sometimes I’m reminded of my different background when it’s easier for me to relate to patients than my colleagues who come from medical families and have never known what it is like to not know what “coronary artery disease” and “hypercoagulability” mean. Other times I’m reminded of my different background when it’s easier for me to understand the social determinants of health such as why someone might not have transportation to appointments and why medications might not be worth the monthly bill to a specific individual. Where I grew up if you didn’t have a car you went nowhere; further, I solely used public transportation for most of my 20s. I’ve also run a tight budget most of my life which has given me a lot of practice deciding where my money will and won’t go.

It’s not just my economic background that makes me different from many of my co-residents (though I’ve come to realize more with each passing year that economic background is a mountain that dominates world view). The nuances of my difference from many of my colleagues present themselves at unexpected times such as on slow days when making small talk with co-residents and supervising physicians.

I grew up in a world where medicine was minimally understood, mysterious, and (perhaps) feared. The distance of medicine was partially possible because my family was healthy and required minimal medical care; it was also who we were. Our lack of medical knowledge did not mean, however, a lack of knowledge. For my colleagues who have known the medicine way of life since childhood as they watched their parents (many doctors and some nurses) come and go from work, the hospital system is familiar and almost second nature. I didn’t grow up knowing the hospital. Yet, I know other things that are part of who I was, am, and will be.

For example, I know the birds, trees, and plants of my childhood and I’m learning the ones of my new home in Virginia. I know how to grow plants indoors or in a garden because I grew up in a culture where we all knew how to tend plants. In a similar way, I don’t believe cows are cute because I’ve been almost late to school chasing them after they got out of the fence. I know how to stack 6 cords of wood in a day, use power tools and wood tools, and change my car tires because these are skills that were necessary in the world where I grew up. I notice architectural details, complementary colors, and other design elements because these were some of the themes of my childhood.

Being an older resident with a different background and careers prior to medicine is isolating at times. A small portion of my co-residents can relate or are interested in where I’ve been before medical school. I’ve become accustomed to this. My life extends beyond the hospital. I have family and friends who understand the nonmedical aspects of my life just as my co-residents understand the Doctorhood Quest in a way non-physicians can’t.

I have so much to learn about medicine from my co-residents and supervising physicians regardless of whether they understand any aspect of my life outside of residency. But, on days such as when I find a resident who can’t name a daffodil, I’m torn between amusement and sadness. In my world it’s ridiculous to be unable to name one of the most common spring flowers in the US. The realization that there may be many doctors who can’t name a daffodil reminds me just how different we all are. It also reassures me that there is much I can teach my co-residents too. And, perhaps more importantly, it reminds me how much physicians can learn from our patients and non-doctor colleagues if we find time to listen.

The Doctor Pronounced Them Dead, The Doctor Was Me

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It was raining when I left the hospital. Perhaps the rain marked new beginnings for a soul recently gone or perhaps it was simply droplets falling because the clouds were too full to hold them. Death wasn’t new to me. My years in emergency medicine prior to starting medical school ensured that. I’d felt and smelled death before. I’d contemplated its inevitability and its conflicting identities of tragedy and blessing. Some of the deaths I’ve seen were sad beyond measure and some peaceful.

This patient’s death, the one I’d witnessed just before stepping into the rain, was my first as a doctor. For the first time it was my job to do the exam that declared the patient legally dead. It was my first time stating the time of death and filling out the paperwork declaring death. It was my first time calling a patient’s family to deliver the news that their loved one had died. I’d wondered how long after starting residency it would be before I would complete these somber duties for the first time. Now I know, 8 months.

It was one of the easier deaths I’ve witnessed. It came at the end of a long life. It was expected given the patient’s condition. In fact, just that morning, I’d started the patient on medications to keep them comfortable as they entered the home stretch of their life. I’d spoken to the family as they visited that day. As I walked in the rain, I couldn’t help but wonder if the patient had waited to hear their family members’ voices one last time before giving in to rest. After all, the patient died only hours after their family left the hospital. Their family wouldn’t see them again.

When a patient dies, we complete a discharge order, note summarizing what happened during the patient’s hospitalization, and progress note describing the circumstances of their death. This paperwork makes the process of death much like any other administrative task a doctor has. Yet, though technically similar, these notes feel different. Unlike other daily progress notes and summaries of hospital stays that fill patient’s charts, these death notes are not just a chapter but a conclusion and, because of this, they seem more important.

The inside of my car was fogged when I got in. Somehow the rain had cooled the outside while the warmth of the inside of my car lingered. I turned on the windshield wipers and blasted the air. I couldn’t really see but I decided I could see well enough to start slowly rolling forward. The rain drops bounced off my car. As I drove in the rain, I became sure that it marked new beginnings for a recently passed soul. Nothing else could possibly make the sky weep so beautifully. I wonder if the person whose soul had passed believed in some kind of afterlife. I imagined them observing my little car driving through the rain from wherever they were. I hoped they were happy. At least I knew their troubles in my world were done. May they rest in peace.  

My Hero List Grew by One That Night

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It was early during residency. I was still adjusting to primary care clinic which included learning how the computer system worked. I still didn’t have home access to the electronic medical records so I couldn’t review my patients ahead of their appointments. I also couldn’t write my patient notes at home. All my patients were new to me. Between the challenge of learning new patients and the computer system, I fell behind in clinic one day.

My patient appointments stacked up like logs against a dam before it bursts. And, with my appointments running behind and my slowness with the computer system, the notes I had to write for each patient appointment were pushed to the end of the day.  My last appointment ended an hour late because it started an hour late.

There I was, already after closing time and just starting to fight the computer system to write my notes as fast as I could. Everyone else in the clinic had left an hour or so earlier. I was hungry because I hadn’t thought I’d need to bring dinner.  I’d already eaten breakfast and lunch at the clinic. I was startled when I heard someone in the hall. The janitor walked by my office, “Late night?” he asked pausing outside my open office door.

“Yeah. I’m new here and I’m still slow with the computer,” I said.

“And they just left you?” he asked.

“It’s okay. Hopefully my notes will be done soon,” I said.

“Well, thanks for your work,” he said.

Hours passed. One note at a time, like small footsteps, my pile of remaining work dwindled. The janitor stopped by my door again. “I got you these. It’s not much but it’s all I could find,” he said. He handed me a bag of BBQ potato chips and a mini-Fanta orange soda.

“Thank you so much! You’re so kind,” I said. I was too tired to be giddy but in better circumstances I would have been gleeful for the snacks.

“Have a good night. Hope you can leave soon,” he said and walked away, back to his own work.  

I don’t think he’ll ever know how much he saved me that night. When I was finally done with my work and as I walked through the empty clinic and then the empty parking lot to my car, I thought about how much I appreciated the janitor. I’ve often thought it odd that society focuses so much on big names and money. In my experience, heroes are always humble strangers acting out of kindness and with no motive or expectation of recognition.  

That night I was reminded that all it takes is pausing to offer a little help to transform a person’s night. The janitor clearly had already ingrained that knowledge into his existence. And like the heroes who came before him, I added the janitor to my life’s hall of fame as I walked to my car to drive home. My hall of fame isn’t a hall of fame like those for baseball players but, to me, it’s a lot more important. And, in case you’re wondering, I’ve never had a more delicious bag of chips and can of soda.

Today We Start Insulin

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“Today we are going to start you on insulin. Given your high A1C level (a lab that shows your average blood sugar over 3 months), it is recommended so that we can better lower your blood sugar. Lowering your blood sugar is important because when your blood sugar is this high it can affect many aspects of your health including severely increasing your risk of heart disease and stroke,” I said. It was the second time I’d seen this patient in my clinic. They were quick to laugh and had a full life.

The patient hung their head. This was the first time I had started someone on insulin as a primary care doctor (we use insulin exclusively to manage diabetes in the hospital, but in the outpatient setting it’s reserved for specific indications). Starting insulin isn’t supposed to be punitive but some patients feel as though it is because of the stigma associated with diabetes.

There are numerous medical diseases and conditions that are stigmatized. Among the most common I see are diabetes, obesity, psychiatric diseases, and sexually transmitted diseases. People with diabetes are often blamed for having the disease. If or when they require insulin, the patient may feel like their need for insulin is a failure because their blood sugar was not controlled with other treatment measures. People with diabetes can be labeled as “weak” and “lacking self-control.” This labeling is out-of-place and unproductive. While lifestyle (such as diet and exercise) does contribute to the development and progression of diabetes, lifestyle is only part of the story.

In addition to individual choices, other parts of life like genetics, environment, and the social determinants of health have an important impact on health outcomes including the development of chronic diseases like diabetes. Further, it is critical to be able to have open and respectful conversations about patients’ individual situations and how their lives might be optimized to manage their diabetes and to reduce their likelihood of developing complications from diabetes. Stigma gets in the way of having these open, respectful conversations. When people have diabetes, the disease can severely increase their risk of death by heart disease and complications such as vision loss, nerve damage, kidney damage, and infection. This makes management of diabetes with a multimodal approach – including lifestyle optimization and medications – essential. Judgement has no place in developing a therapeutic plan.

When I recommended insulin to my patient, it was not as punishment. It was without judgement. It was out of concern for their health. The strategies we had tried to lower their blood sugar to that point weren’t working. The patient was doing so well otherwise. They didn’t have kidney problems. Their feet still had feeling. They hadn’t had a heart attack. I wanted them to live without these complications for as long as possible.

As the patient left the appointment, I was hopeful that our new strategy would help them lower their blood sugar. I also hoped that this patient felt respected even if they were unhappy about starting insulin. I’d see how they did with the insulin at our next visit. Time would tell if insulin at the dose we started would work for them or if we would need to make further adjustments. Chronic conditions require long-term (often life-long) treatment plans. Flexibility to adjust the plan as life develops is critical for success. This patient with diabetes was no exception. I looked forward to working together to lower their blood sugar in the months and years ahead. 

Maybe Tomorrow

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“Maybe tomorrow you can be discharged,” the doctor leading my team said to the patient. I’d lost track of how many days in a row he had said that.

The patient had cancer and was undergoing treatment. Did you know that chemo is poison? We use it hoping to destroy cancer before we destroy the person who has the cancer. Chemo saves lives. Chemo causes all kinds of side effects. Chemo often works. Chemo doesn’t always work.

This patient was neutropenic which means that they had no white blood cells to fight infection. No white blood cells to fight infection means even the wimpiest infection could kill them. To avoid death by infection, they needed to stay in the hospital for IV antibiotics and monitoring every time they had a fever.

We couldn’t find the cause of their fever. No source of infection. 24 hours without a fever, “Maybe tomorrow you can discharge, you just need to be 48 hours without a fever to go home,” my supervising doctor said to the patient.

The patient’s red blood cell count dropped so they needed a blood transfusion. Were they bleeding? “Maybe tomorrow you can discharge, if you don’t need another transfusion.”

 They also had a rash. Was that from chemo, cancer, or something else? It was a really uncomfortable-looking rash. Blisters and red all over their torso. “Maybe tomorrow.”

The “maybe tomorrows” dragged on. All the patient wanted to do was go home. They wanted to have some control over their life. They wanted to feel the breeze on their cheeks. They wanted to live. They wanted to see their friends and family. But cancer is a tricky beast. It takes one’s freedom and lands one in the hospital more days than anyone would ever choose.

But, at last, tomorrow did come. We were all happy when the supervising doctor said the patient could leave the hospital. The patient was excited to go home. No one mentioned that it was only a matter of time before they’d be back to start another string of maybe tomorrows. Sometimes there’s no point in saying things that everyone already knows. No need to speak the unpleasant into existence. It will come when it comes.

The patients and families on the cancer wards are among the strongest people you’ll ever meet. Their strength is like the endurance of ultramarathoners, not sprinters. Their strength is one of days running into weeks running into months. Counting the years. Their strength is one of setbacks and small victories. Of bodies changed and freedom lost to be reinvented. Their strength is keeping hope for tomorrow while knowing that it may never come.