Tag Archives: Medicine

The Branching Plan

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I’ve arrived at the phase in residency where colleagues ask what my next step is. The 3 major options after internal medicine residency are:

1) work as a hospitalist (a generalist who only works in the hospital)

2) work as primary care physician (a generalist who only works in clinic)

3) do additional training in a medical sub-specialty (like infectious disease, pulmonology, etc.)

Yep, I know you’re amazed. It’s possible to do more training after residency…it’s called “fellowship”. Medicine is the kind of profession where one starts planning their next step year(s) in advance so now (over halfway through my 3-year residency) is exactly when I need to know my next step. Luckily, I have a plan.

My plan is branching which allows for wandering and discovery along the way. I’ll start as a hospitalist both to enjoy a pause from training and strengthen my financial foundation. Then, I’ll either start fellowship or tailor my generalist work to focus on the populations and medicine that interest me most.

As the residency tunnel starts to show its brilliant end, I’ve been thinking more about the bigger goal – why I decided to become a doctor in the first place. I started the Doctorhood Quest because I wanted to have a career that tangibly helped people. I wanted my daily work to involve direct interaction with the people I was helping. And the help I wanted to give was empowerment. Improving health and banishing illness is empowering because when we are sick, we simply can’t achieve our full potential. As a doctor I’m an ally with my patients on their quest to fulfilment. I love seeing my patients get better from acute illness. I’m honored to help patients die with dignity or to be part of the reason their suffering is minimized. I’m stoked to keep people out of the hospital by optimizing their chronic medical conditions and overall health.

I joined medicine because of the opportunity to work with patients. My branching plan is a strategy to ensure that no matter what happens with healthcare, I can adjust and adapt to achieve my bigger goal of fostering empowerment. People have inequitable access to healthcare and the healthcare industry is flawed but, despite healthcare’s many shortcomings, there is much opportunity to do good as a physician. In an ever-changing environment (like medicine) one must be flexible and adaptable. Having a multilayered and branching plan acknowledges that I’ll have to change throughout my career to achieve my bigger goals. What fun it’ll be to see where I end up 20 years from now!  

Hospital White

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The stretcher looked different from the 100s of others I’d seen. It was empty and it had an unexpected metal bar at the head of the bed. I glanced in the room outside which the stretcher had stopped. On the bed was a white bag, zipped up, and just the height and length of a sleeping human. I realized the stretcher was there to take a body to the morgue.

Death has been present on many of my hospital shifts – especially in the ICU (intensive care unit) where this sighting occurred. Yet, until this moment, I hadn’t seen the patients who died taken out of their rooms. I’d pronounced them dead. I’d seen patients’ families crying at bedside. I’d seen the closed doors with butterflies on them marking that someone was dying or dead. I’d seen the strangely empty and freshly made beds where those who had died once lay.

The body in the white bag was lifted onto the stretcher. White sheets surrounded them. Then they were wheeled to the morgue – their family wouldn’t see them again. Of course, the person’s soul was gone well before the body was put in a white bag. Off to a better place. If nothing else, watching many people die has made me certain there is a soul which leaves when death calls. To where the soul goes after death, no one knows.  Long ago, I decided to believe souls always go to a better place when the body dies. No one can prove my theory wrong, so no need to worry about the journey of souls.

The sighting of the white bag made me sad. It wasn’t the kind of sadness that made me feel like crying. It was more of a sinking feeling placed on top of an already crummy night. Heaviness on the chest and shoulders. We had multiple sick patients. My co-resident had pronounced dead a patient almost every night that week. Somehow, he’d gotten that burden. I had not pronounced anyone that week; I was caring for people who were staying alive (for the time being). It was night shift, making the already dreary worse. A string of unpleasant nights with one-way transport of white bags out of the ICU. Some of these nights were so busy we only just managed to do the things most necessary. Our patient list was younger than it should have been. It’s easier to accept death when people have lived a long life. Of course, there were a couple happier cases; those patients would make it out of the ICU and then the hospital.

I don’t think one can ever get used to witnessing death. One can come to peace with it. That’s what I’ve done as my years in medicine accumulate. There is an intrinsic link between life and death. The two cannot be separated and are not whole without each other. In the US, black usually represents death. In many other places, death is represented by white. The more time I spend in the hospital, the more I think white is the most representative of life’s end. Hospital white. A blank sheet. All the shades of light together. The absence of physical color. It seems fitting that death is represented by light and not physical being.

The image of the white bag lingered in my mental peripheral vision for the night. I didn’t know anything about the person whose body was in the bag. Sometimes, one doesn’t need to know the details to understand. Death is like that. Simple once it happens. How we arrive at death is what is complicated. Everyone eventually arrives there at their own time and in their own way. Death is one of the most unifying features of being human. But that doesn’t make it easy. Some things are never easy.

The Stickiness of Capacity

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“It’s my religion, my decision!” they yelled as the elevator doors closed, the climax of their escape (though no one was stopping them) from the hospital. They often spoke in rhymes. Where they would go and what condition they’d be in when they got there were mysteries. They’d been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks as we tried to find a safe place for them to discharge to. Their house was in such disrepair that their electricity had been turned off because leaving it on was a fire hazard. They’d had frostbite before, and winter was near. Their mental state was such that we did not believe they could make safe decisions for themselves. They had no way of getting home without our help. Despite all these features they were not in immediate danger of harm and so we had no legal grounds to keep them when they decided they were ready to leave the hospital. We tried to convince them to stay, but they would not listen. They were ready to leave; they wouldn’t wait for us any longer, not even to arrange a ride home. We were worried that they were leaving without a safe plan, but the US medical system is not a jail system. Except for several clear situations, our patients are free to leave the hospital whenever they please even if their doctors think it’s a bad idea.  

Capacity, a patient’s ability to make informed decisions about their healthcare, is more complex than one might think. It’s grounded in the ethical principle of autonomy, which means that patients have the right to decide what happens to their bodies. To understand the complexity of capacity requires at least some understanding of the history of medicine and how we conduct medicine today.

Medicine was paternalistic historically (and in some places it still is). It also wasn’t, seemly, originally centered on doing what was best for patients. There are classic examples of medicine’s unpleasant history, among them: the Tuskegee Syphilis Study, Henrietta Lacks’ stolen cells, stealing corpses to supply cadavers for anatomy labs, and the history of insane asylums. Given its concerning past, there are strict laws outlining which patients can be kept in the hospital against their will and for how long. There are also laws ensuring patients are informed about the risks and benefits of their healthcare and allowed to decide if they would like to pursue or decline tests and treatments their doctors recommend.

When a patient doesn’t have the ability to make their own decisions (for reasons such as acute illness or chronic conditions like dementia) we say that they “lack capacity.” In such instances we identify a person who can legally make decisions on their behalf. Capacity is decision dependent – so a patient may have capacity to say they don’t want to eat lunch but lack capacity to decide to undergo vs. decline a life-saving surgery. Capacity also can be fluid, so perhaps an acutely ill person doesn’t have capacity initially but as they start to recover, they regain capacity. For patients with conditions like dementia, often capacity is never restored if lost.

In tricky cases like the patient described above, the healthcare system can do less than you might think. We can easily treat acute illnesses that are a complication of a patient’s confusion (such as frost bite) but we have few ways to help avoid frost bite in the first place. Hospital social workers can help find nursing facilities to offer at discharge, but seldom can we force patients to go to a nursing facility if they don’t want to go. It’s also worth noting that we do not have the ability to find housing for people experiencing homelessness – so unless they need a short-term skilled nursing facility at discharge, we often have no choice but to discharge patients experiencing homelessness back to the street once they’re medically stable.

In these circumstances, sometimes those of us in healthcare are left with unsettling discharges either because our patients discharge even though we don’t think they’re ready or because we discharge them to the street (or to an unsafe home). In the case of the patient who yelled “It’s my religion, my decision!” as they made their dramatic exit, the patient declined our safe discharge ideas. Even though their medical decision-makers agreed with us, no one could force the patient to do something they did not want to do. After discharging the patient, we (their care team) found ourselves keeping an eye out for them as we drove to and from work. Our plan was to call Adult Protective Services if we saw the patient – because we all knew they had no way to get home. We couldn’t force them to wait for a ride and they had no money for the bus. We also weren’t convinced they knew how to get home. We all suspected they’d end up wandering the streets. As I drove on the lookout, I was reminded how limited our healthcare system can be. I was also reminded that balancing patient autonomy and medical beneficence is not always easy.

The Hospital in the Forest

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Looking at the one-story entrance, the building appeared too small to be hospital. To get there, I drove down a neighborhood street. Tall trees lined the final stretch up the hill and then there were several small buildings with several small parking lots. Tall trees stood between the industrial features. The whole hospital was about the size of a city clinic. Tiny but mighty – people could get CT images, surgery, and life-saving medications within the hospital’s walls. There weren’t many specialists available and none on the weekends, but the basics were strong. There was “Emergency Department” in glowing letters on one side and there were hospital beds for patients who needed to be admitted. Though not meeting criteria to be a critical access hospital, this hospital in the forest was the only access to healthcare some people had. It was not as remote as the most desolate places in New Mexico, but the hospital in the forest illustrated the scale of healthcare available to many (most?) rural Americans.

The patients were brave and grateful for care. A large portion of the patients were also frustrating because they didn’t see doctors and didn’t take medications outside of emergencies – thanks to the stoicism of rural people and a lack of access to health resources. The full-time workers at the hospital were a blend of devotion and mediocrity – strengthened by being the only healthcare around while limited by the hospital’s small infrastructure and many slow days on the job. I found myself out of place on one hand, having come from a hospital almost 30 times this hospital’s size. While feeling at home on the other hand, having grown up in rural America.

The hospital also reminded me of the hospitals and clinics of Paraguay. The scale was more in-line with the hospitals of the world. The limited access to specialists also reflected my experiences in Latin America and growing up in rural Vermont. I found myself more interested in the functioning of the hospital in the forest than I thought I would be. When I applied to residency, I limited my search to programs at hospital that had 350 or more beds; this hospital had about 30 beds (a critical access hospital has 25 or less). At larger hospitals there are more patients, more specialists (including medical specialties and surgeons), and more treatment options. In a small hospital like the one in the forest, there is some access to cutting-edge technology but more than anything there is creativity because one must find solutions for problems with fewer resources.

As I settled into taking care of patients at the hospital in the forest, I found myself challenged in a different way than when I was at the large hospital where I spent most of my time. Caring for patients in a low-resource hospital forced me to use the full range of my training. If patients started to decompensate it was on me to figure out why and to what to do about it. If the hospital in the forest didn’t have the treatment that my patient needed, then it was my job to pitch their story and get them accepted to a bigger hospital with more capabilities. If I couldn’t transfer a patient who needed something I didn’t have to a hospital that had what they needed, they’d get worse and maybe die. So, while most days at the hospital in the forest were filled with the bread and butter of medicine (the basic, simple cases), complicated cases required more thought than they did at a large hospital where any treatment my patients needed was at my fingertips.

I felt the ebb and flow of the hospital in the forest. Many days were calm and straight forward. Those days I had so much extra time I progressed rapidly through my non-work to-do list. These lulls made up for the days of insanity when the patient list grew with lightening speed (admission after admission) and my patients were all trying to die at once. The flow was more like that of my days in the emergency room – boomeranging between busy and slow.

When my time at the hospital in the forest ended, I was grateful for the experience. Perhaps the greatest lesson was realizing that I could be happy working at a small hospital. While such a realization may seem trivial, a willingness to work at a small hospital opens the door of possibility. There are so many small hospitals in the US and the world. Knowing rural medicine is interesting to me means that there are now 1000s of miles where I could live that I couldn’t live if I wanted to work at a hospital with 350 beds or more. What a funny thing that I spent years jostling to train in an urban center to realize that rural life has its own set of challenges and joys. I can see myself being happy in either setting in the future. Big, busy hospitals are ideal for learning but now I know they aren’t the only interesting places to work in medicine. As I think about the next steps, the hospital in the forest sits laughing in my mind. It’s laughing because life has a way of sending me to places that I never expected to go.

Lost in Delirium

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The patient was sick. On death’s door kind of sick. They were a nice person – treating all the hospital staff with respect. Saying “please” and “thank you.” Cracking jokes even though they were ill. They were articulate. Earlier in their hospital stay we’d discussed God. They believed strongly in the power of God. The patient explained that they were at peace with their life and were ready to join God whenever he called.

Then one night the nurse found the patient completely naked in their room. At that time, the patient couldn’t remember their name. The nurse was able to redirect them, remind them of their name, and put them back to bed. They were embarrassed by the events the next morning. In the morning, they seemed to still understand what was happening around them.

The next night they became confused again. But, this time, they weren’t better by morning. As the days unfolded, they were usually able to tell me their name. They’d lost track of why they were in the hospital or what the plan for the day was. They didn’t know the month or the year. At times they seemed more lucid and at other times they were so confused that they believed they were on a business trip. Occasionally they were angry. But, more often, they looked scared. They were easily frightened because they didn’t know where they were or what was happening to them.

This patient was a classic example of delirium. Delirium is a state of confusion that waxes and wanes. It occurs because of the unfamiliarity of the hospital setting, the disruptive nature of hospital activity, and the stress of being ill.  Every patient in the hospital is at risk of developing delirium during their stay. Some people are at greater risk of delirium – elderly people, severely ill people, and people with underlying brain illness.

Delirium is complex from a medical standpoint. We try to prevent it but everything about the hospital promotes delirium – from frequent sleep disruptions to the unfamiliar setting and faces of the hospital. Preventing delirium involves encouraging family members to visit, minimizing overnight wake ups for medical care (vitals, blood draws, meds, etc.), and frequently reminding patients of where they are and the date. We try hard to ensure lights are off at night and lights are on during the day (and window shades open). Despite precautions, delirium can still develop. The challenge is that we have no good treatment for it. Overcoming delirium involves the same strategies as preventing it and treating the illness that brought patients to the hospital in the first place. Another difficult aspect of delirium is managing it when it causes patients to become agitated.

When patients are lost in delirium they don’t act as they normally would. They are in a state of confusion. They may scream and cry not because they are in physical distress but because they don’t understand what is happening. They might fight hospital staff or try to run away. They might become dangerous to staff or other patients. They might refuse the medical care they need to get better. Sometimes to keep a delirious patient and staff safe we need to use sedating medications. But sedating medications can prolong delirium. It’s a tricky situation.

Delirium is one of those conditions that takes up a lot of my time as a physician and consumes nursing time but is little-known among people who don’t work in healthcare. In the short term, it can negatively impact patients by making it difficult to care for them. In the long term, it may impact patients’ cognition.  

Everyone should know about delirium because the best way to prevent delirium has nothing to do with medicine. Delirium is most successfully prevented by having family/friends at bedside. Patients who have frequent family/friend visits (ideally daily for multiple hours) while in the hospital are less likely to develop delirium. The reason family/friends are so important is that they are familiar faces. They can help patients keep track of night and day. Family/friends help keep patients’ minds engaged in conversation, games, and other shared activities. Engaging the mind helps keep it from getting lost in delirium.

In the US, it is fascinating how many patients don’t have family members or friends visit while they’re in the hospital. There are many reasons for this, but two important ones are the American focus on independence and our geographic distance from relatives. Many Americans can’t help that they live hours from their family (and even their friends). But, in an era of electronic connectivity, don’t forget that your loved ones need you. Try a voice or video call. Call or visit even if your loved one says they’re fine. Your support might be the reason your loved one remembers their name the entire time they’re in the hospital. And that, though seemingly small, might make a world of difference in their recovery.

Meeting in a Common Place

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Over dinner with a non-medical friend they said, “Even though I will inevitably have a heart attack [in relation to their love of ice cream], I’d rather enjoy a short life than live a long miserable life.” They brought this up even though I hadn’t made any comments about health during our meal. I’ve noticed that since becoming a physician family and friends make comments like this about their lifestyle with a frequency that surprises me. It seems that they feel guilty or defensive because they think I might be judging or evaluating the healthfulness of the life they lead. 

Perhaps more important than highlighting that I don’t judge my friends’ lifestyles just because I’m a physician is pointing out that in my role as a physician, I also do not judge my patients’ lifestyles. Society likes to use guilt to control people and create hierarchies of worse and better. Many health and physical attributes have been used to define people as better and worse. The list of such attributes is long; several common examples are weight, cholesterol level, blood sugar level, and brain functioning. Despite this societal tendency, guilt and creating arbitrary lists of good and bad don’t help achieve health, so they are not part of my practice as a physician.  

My job, especially as a primary care physician, is not to make my patients feel guilty or inferior. My job is to help my patients increase their chance of living a long, healthy life. Health is defined, in my mind, as a physical and mental state where a person can do the things they want to do with as little suffering as possible. My goal is to help my patients avoid suffering, illness, and pain from medical conditions and physical injury. Especially in the primary care setting, I provide my patients with recommendations to optimize their health. But my recommendations are recommendations – they are not law, and they are nonbinding.

Science continues to investigate what the optimal lifestyle is to ensure that one avoids illness and lives a long time. Yet, while we know many things, we don’t know what the perfect lifestyle is. Further, research can not account for the complexity of human experience. It is absurd to think that all people can live the same lifestyle. Individuals have different access to resources, different preferences, different priorities, and different realities. There is simply no universal fit for lifestyle.

When I discuss lifestyle with my patients my goal is not to make them start a different life. My goal is to identify reasonable adjustments that have a high chance of improving their health. For example, I might ask a patient about their typical diet. As I learn about their diet, I might offer education tailored to specific goals – such as reducing salt to help control blood pressure, strategies to ensure a stable weight or weight loss, or adjustments to prevent diabetes. I try to identify realistic adjustments because unrealistic suggestions are not likely to happen (by definition). For example, some of my patients only eat out. In those cases, rather than telling them they need to start cooking, I ask about the menus at the restaurants where they frequently eat and offer suggestions to optimize their health based on the menu choices they have. I might ask patients about exercise, tobacco, alcohol, drugs, sleep, stress, and any number of other things. The process remains the same for each: 1) Where is the patient now? 2) Is there some optimization that can be done? 3) What are the small steps and adjustments that can help my patient reach that optimization?

As a physician I meet my patients where they are in terms of their health goals and health situation. I see our relationship as a partnership where I’m an expert and they are advice seekers. Just as people hire financial advisors as experts and planners for their personal finance, physicians are experts and planners for lifelong health. As a physician I relay what research has shown is important for health; help my patients make decisions about specific medications, procedures, and tests; and form a plan for how my patients might optimize their health.

To my friend who thinks everyone who eats ice cream will have a heart attack – that simply isn’t the case. To my friend who thinks a heart attack is trivial – I’ve met hundreds of people who have had heart attacks and even those who survived were changed forever. So, in a general sense my response is, why not consider a middle ground where one can have ice cream and not have a heart attack? Curious how to do that? Consult your primary care doctor; she’s an expert in health and you hired her to help you reach your health goals.

Reading the Crystal Ball I Don’t Have

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“Will I make it until then?” the patient asked. They were referring to the cancer treatment which was their only chance at long-term survival. Their cancer was everywhere yet, likely, treatable and maybe curable…but only if they got treatment. Their social situation created roadblocks. To be approved for chemotherapy in our medical system they had many hoops yet to jump through and hills to climb.

“I don’t know. I hope so,” I said. My answer was genuine.

The patient signed. They closed their eyes for a long blink. They looked down. They slumped in their chair. Their stuffiness (from lymph nodes so large it was hard for them to breathe) made their breathing loud. The room felt small.

“You’re strong. You’re a fighter. You told me recently you wanted to do everything you could to beat this. We are trying to get you there,” I said. These were truths but they didn’t mean much.

This post could easily be about the inequities of our healthcare system. This patient was a victim of those inequities. But whether everything is going right or going wrong, the truth remains that neither I nor any physician know the future. We have probabilities and expert opinions to guide us. We have previous similar patient cases and the risks/benefits of medications and other treatments to consider.  But as much information as we have, we do not have a crystal ball that tells us exactly what is to come. We make educated guesses which are often right but also have a higher-than-desired chance of being wrong.

What is to come, the outcome, is exactly what my patients want to know. And, if I were in my patients’ shoes, that is what I’d like to know too. When thinking about my patients’ futures, I try to balance hope with reality which (for me) manifests as honesty. If I’m worried, I say so. If I’m confident in their chance, I say so. And, if I’m unsure then I will explain the contrary things I’m considering and why I’m undecided.

I didn’t know if the above patient would make it to chemotherapy. The oncologists (cancer doctors) were not offering this patient treatment when the patient and I had the above conversation. The oncologists felt that the patient had too many other things going on to start chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is hard to endure. One must be physically strong to survive it. One also requires lots of social support.

“We are trying to get you treatment. Remember the next steps we talked about?” I reviewed the follow up appointments and things lined up for the patient before they saw the oncologists.

The patient nodded. They looked out the window. “I’ve been here [the hospital] so long,” they said. They’d been in the hospital for about 6 weeks.

“I know,” I said. “You still have a long road ahead.”

I wish there was a crystal ball like in fantasy books that would reveal my patient’s futures. But part of life is not knowing exactly where it’s going. Part of being a physician is becoming comfortable with uncertainty. Perhaps that’s one reason why physicians study for so many years. Day by day my predictions about my patients’ futures are more informed and more often correct. But, on the opposite end of the spectrum, even the most seasoned physician is sometimes wrong about a patient’s future.

When the patient and I had the above conversation, their survival was unlikely but possible. The sliver of hope that remained is why I reminded the patient that they had told me they wanted to fight their cancer. That is also why, when the prediction is tragic and my patients say they believe in miracles, I say “I hope you’re right.” No physician wants their sad-outcome predictions to come true. Yet, we are obligated to provide our best guess even if it is bad news. As physicians we also plan for all the likely outcomes.

While I reminded the patient of their desire to fight, I also reminded them that if things changed there was an alternative option called “comfort care*.” I reminded them that they could change their mind about their goals at any time. I reminded them that we (their care team) were here to help them on their journey regardless of where it led them.

The only certainty about my patients’ futures is that their care team will be there no matter what. And while patients’ care teams change with work shifts and specialty, the purpose remains the same: to help as the unknown unfolds. Being a physician hasn’t given me a crystal ball to see the future. But being a physician has given me hope. While there are illnesses no human body can overcome, the body is incredibly resilient. Further, the human soul is a force of bravery and grace even when faced with insurmountable challenge. And when I witness these human strengths, my faith in life is renewed.  

*Comfort care is end of life care where the focus is treating symptoms rather than prolonging life. For example, if a patient has anxiety, then we will treat it; or if they have pain, we will treat it. Comfort care is offered to patients who have conditions that will kill them and either there is no treatment or the patient declines treatment. In comfort care we don’t treat chronic conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes because the focus is to make the patient’s remaining time as comfortable as possible rather than trying to make them live as long as possible. Comfort care is the type of care that people receive in hospice. Hospice is end-of-life care for people whose life expectancy is 6 months or less. Comfort care is not about hastening death, but it is possible that people will die sooner on comfort care than with traditional care because the goal is no longer to cure illness.

Listening to the Birds

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As our appointment was ending, I congratulated the patient on getting fitted for new hearing aids earlier that day.

“Yes, we are looking forward to the new hearing aids,” the patient’s spouse said. The hearing aids would be shipped to them soon. “They love hearing the birds. They know all the birds’ names.” The spouse paused. “I miss them telling me which birds we hear. Now I’ll say, ‘Hear that bird?’ and they’ll say, ‘What bird?’ because they can’t hear it singing.”

As my patients like to tell me, “Getting old is not for the faint of heart.” Being not as old as them, I don’t know what it feels like to be their age. But, having worked with hundreds of people as they age, I’ve had the opportunity to observe what getting old is like. Perhaps the most interesting thing is that no two people experience aging the same way. Despite the variation, there are some truths I think are universal about aging: 1) one cannot do everything at 80 that one could do at 20, 2) life experience cannot be erased, and 3) attitude matters.

The happiest old people I’ve met are those who embrace aging as life’s reality. They are flexible and willing to adapt their goals and expectations to meet their ever-changing body and mind. For some people this means that they give up the independence they once cherished. They turn in their car keys forever, accepting that their slow reflexes and poor vision have made them dangerous drivers. For others, they let their children or other trusted people help them navigate new technology that they don’t understand because navigating that technology is essential for life admin (like bills) and connectivity (communicating with others). Others relinquish their identity as the one who cares for everyone else and accept help from people they previously cared for. Going from the person everyone depended on to the one that depends on everyone else is one of the hardest transitions I’ve witnessed my patients make. Whatever transitions people go through as they age, they are huge and require self-reflection and grit.

And while aging is a lot about the mind, it is also about accepting that our bodies change with time. The most resilient old people I’ve met are the ones who are flexible not just with how they approach life, but also with what they expect of their body. Many elderly people remain healthy and independent until they die. But even in healthy old people, their bodies are not what they were at 20. They simply move slower and, perhaps, are less physically strong. The happiest old people I’ve met know that their slowed body is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of wisdom. The happiest old people I know, continue to challenge themselves in new ways that they could not have imagined in their youth. They do not have the same expectations of themselves that they did at 30 because they already mastered being 30.

As people age, it is common for them to interact with the health system more than they did in their youth. Regardless of how many diseases and ailments an elderly person develops, I’ve noticed that the ones who endure the hospital and their doctors’ appointments best are those who accept that caring for an aging body takes lots of time. They dislike spending days in the hospital, but they also know that sometimes that is an adventure they must undertake. They weather their healthcare interactions with inspiring patience and endurance.

My clinic day ended hours after the patient who couldn’t hear birds anymore left. As I walked to my car, I thought about how much I loved listening to birds sing. I thought about how hard it must have been for that patient to realize, perhaps all at once or perhaps over time, that they couldn’t hear the birds anymore. I hoped that their hearing aids would help them. What a strange goal to have, the goal to hear birds again. The goal of regaining something previously taken for granted. I wondered what my goals would be when I was that patient’s age. I hoped I had as much perseverance as they had.

The Strength of a Mother

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Her son was dying. Yes, we were keeping him alive in that moment, but he was dying anyway. We could not fix what was killing him; it was simply too progressed. There was no way out except death. We knew this and, perhaps, he knew it too as the soul peeking through his eyes became more distant and the fear that had been there was replaced by blankness. He was too sick to make his own decisions. The decision about what to do fell upon his wife. Having to make decisions about the end of her husband’s life tormented the patient’s wife. He was a fighter and he had always told his wife he wanted to live. The patient’s wife could not imagine life without her husband. She felt alone. She feared past demons reemerging when he left her. Yet, the fact remained that this wife’s husband, this mother’s son, was dying. As the plan stood, he was dying slowly.

It was under these circumstances that the mother and wife sat down to talk with us, the patient’s care team, to discuss how the plan could change to reduce suffering. We described the options. There was the option to continue forward as we were; using every medication and intervention we could to keep the patient alive. We explained that this would be futile and would still result in death, but the decision was theirs. The second option was to stop the medications and interventions keeping the patient alive and replace them with medications and interventions to keep him comfortable. We could not predict the future. We guessed he would die within days if we turned off the medications currently keeping him alive. He would die more quickly without medications to raise his blood pressure and transfusions to replace his red blood cells and platelets, but he would not suffer because we would treat every symptom he had from pain to breathlessness and anxiety to insomnia.

After we described the above options, the wife began crying. She accused the healthcare system of missing something. Of not doing everything. If emotions were tangible, then this wife was the physical manifestation of agony. That’s when the mother spoke.

“This is not their fault. I believe them… I believe that they have done everything they can.” The mother paused. “I have cared for my son his whole life. I have loved him and fed him. He is my son. I will not see my son suffer. I do not want my son to suffer like this.” The mother paused again. “My son is already gone. I see it in his eyes. He is not there. It is time to let him go.”

The conversation unfolded between the mother and wife. The care team was there as witness but it was not our conversation. It was not our right to decide what happened next.

“I am all alone. I am afraid,” the wife said.

“You are not alone. You have me,” the mother said. “And if you have me then you have my people because they do what I say. I will stand by you.”

The patient was one of this mother’s children. The mother was old enough to have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the days leading to this conversation, it became clear how large her family was from how many visitors the patient had. The mother sat tall and confident. She spoke with sadness and wisdom. She spoke as someone who had seen others die before.

“I will not see my son suffer. Let’s do this together. We will do this together. Let him go,” the mother said. “I know my son. He is gone. You can decide, but I will not visit again because he is already gone.” The mother paused and held the wife’s hand. “We will do this together. We will mourn together.”

The patient died less than a day after he was transitioned to medications to treat only his symptoms. Most of his family had seen him prior to his death. I will never know how the story of the wife and the mother unfolded after the patient’s passing. Yet, I believed the mother when she said she would be there for the wife. From the conversation I witnessed it was evident that the patient’s mother knew more about life and death than most people; she had a knowledge gained over her lifetime. She also knew her son as only a mother could. The guidance and support the mother offered the patient’s wife as the patient died were some of the bravest acts I’ve witnessed.

The Difference of One Day

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The Doctorhood quest is a journey with finite phases.  To reach the next phase you must pass through the hurdles of the previous phase. Like all quests, each phase must end. Now having passed 2 phases, I’ve noticed that the transition between the phases is jarring.

I recently finished my first year of residency, called “intern year.” In the Doctorhood quest, many consider intern year the hardest phase because it’s the time when you begin to practice as a physician and know the least. You are a student one day and then the next day walk into the hospital with your new title of “doctor.” You find yourself with a mountain of responsibilities that you aren’t sure how to manage. It’s a bit of a joke because one day does not make a physician. So, even though you have the “doctor” title starting the first day of intern year, the difference between an intern and a student only begins to emerge as the months drag on. By the end of intern year, you find yourself teaching medical students and realize that you are, in fact, more knowledgeable than you were 12 months prior.

A similar transition exists between intern year and the second year of residency. In my residency program, we even get a new badge declaring us “resident physician” rather than “intern physician.” One day you’re an intern, working under 2-3 layers of senior physicians and the next day you’re a resident with only a very senior physician overseeing your work. As an intern you always have a resident to ask for help. When you’re a resident you’re the one that the interns turn to with questions. Of course, there are people who teach and help you as a resident, but they are more distant and more senior than before. As a resident, you are expected to find answers to many of your questions and you are expected to make many decisions on your own.

On the second day of my second year of residency, a physician who has been teaching residents for years entered the room to lead one of the educational sessions we (residents) have weekly. Before he started his lesson, he acted out strutting down the hall as James Bond does, “Now that you’re all residents you even walk differently. You have that swagger,” he said. We all laughed. A day does not make a physician. A physician is made over years. Today I feel like how I felt during the last days of intern year because the time between today (early on during my second year of residency) and the end of intern year is short. I’ve been questing long enough to trust the process. I know I’ll feel confident as a resident by the end of this year. And, who knows, maybe I do walk the hall a little differently now than I did a year ago. I did, after all, forge intern year and live to tell the tale.