Being a physician is a career that can become one’s life. There are many reasons for this including the 24/7 need for healthcare, the pressure from healthcare business for productivity, the need for advocacy to improve the system and increase health equity, and the desire to help others. There is also the added stress that medicine literally deals with people’s lives and wellbeing. Given these career features, being a physician historically was a way of life, not just a job.

Despite the historical trend that being a physician was a way of life and an identity that trumped all others, there has been a shift in recent years. This shift started some time ago and was, perhaps, expedited by the COVID-19 pandemic and the severe toll it took on all healthcare workers. The shift is that newer ages of physicians don’t just seek to be doctors – they seek to be partners, parents, athletes, cooks, travelers, readers, vacationers, relaxers, and gardeners to name a few identities they claim beyond the physician identity.

As a member of the newest generation of physicians I find myself caught between the old dogma that to be a physician is to prioritize it above all other aspects of life with the newer view that to be a physician is to be a person with a serious career. I think of these completing identities of “way of life” vs “profession” as the “doctor’s dilemma.”

Sometimes self-imposed and sometimes externally-imposed the training physician (and all physicians really) are driven to do more. More reading and learning, more shifts, more leadership roles, and more research. It’s hard to balance the forces urging me to do more with the desire to also do nonmedical things like spend time with my husband, hike, and write. My medical training has taught me to hustle, be efficient, and work for long durations of time with high focus. As my training continues, I’m also learning how to say “no” and pump the break. Of course, these learnings are contradictory. The pendulum falls sometimes more on the hustle side and sometimes more on the relax side.

As I finish my 1st year of residency, I’ve been thinking about the doctor’s dilemma because in the remaining years of residency I’ll make decisions about my post-residency career path. While I contemplate my career’s trajectory, I also find myself thinking about other things in life. For example, living in a city apartment has made me miss walking barefoot on grass. I don’t suspect I’ll own a house anytime soon, but missing grass has made me think about homeownership more than ever before.

What do I put on hold and what do I pursue? What opportunities if not taken now will disappear? Where do I want to be in 5 years?

While wellness preaches “live in the moment” heavy careers, like doctorhood, require forward thought. Doctorhood requires the balance and blend of one’s professional dreams and identity with one’s personal dreams and identity. During my 2^nd year of residency, I’ll become a team leader and gain more independence. With this greater responsibility doctorhood feels more serious than it did as a new resident when I had more people guiding me. As my training continues, it is my turn to step up with the answers. Patients will depend on me. Each choice, like whether to study or run, has a ripple effect on my future and (perhaps) on my patients’ futures. There simply isn’t enough time to “do it all” at the same time. Choices must be made along the way. The choice options are what pose the dilemma.