Winter in Virginia is quite nice from a weather perspective. Most winter days this year have been in the 50-70s and sunny. Yet, despite the loveliness of winter in Virginia, spending so much time in the hospital (as us residents do) means I only catch glimpses of it. Like a plant kept too far from the window, I feel like I’m missing the sun’s warmth. I’m in the middle of a several-month stretch of hospital rotations where either I have one day off a week or am working nights – which is the perfect environment for the winter doldrums to flourish. So, it comes as no surprise that I’ve found the doldrums creeping in around the edges of my life like a vignette Instagram filter darkens just the outer edges of photos.

My doldrums is a weariness that hovers below the surface and presents itself in small ways. Forgotten facts like place names and life tidbits that were once second-nature. Moments at work feeling longer than eternity and moments at home passing faster than light moves. Waking up tired after sleeping enough. Sitting on the couch sipping mate and watching my plants grow more often than I usually do. Contemplating where I’ve been and missing Paraguay as I trudge home from long shifts. Like most moods, I’ve taken some time to observe my doldrums. It seems stable and temporary, especially knowing better times will be here soon.

Learning medicine is a long journey where knowledge builds with each passing situation, decision, and interaction on the job. Now that I’m over 6 months into residency, residency (itself) is familiar. My focus has shifted from learning my new role and how to complete tasks to growing as a doctor and deepening my knowledge.

The doctorhood quest is a process with a high level of granularity. I make daily tradeoffs between learning more and undertaking life (chores, fitness, rest, etc.) – sometimes the pendulum falls on the side of learning and sometimes it falls on the side of life. Everything can’t be done at once, or ever really, but progress is made step by step.

The upside of the doldrums is that it’s a contemplative state which is suited for winter when the days are too short to maximize outdoor time. I’ve been thinking about what kind of doctor I hope to be by the end of residency. I’ll be done with residency sooner than it seems on these long winter nights. Just as winter will soon be replaced by spring. With the start of spring, winter and its moods will fade. The doldrums will melt away leaving a summer state of mind. Moods and periods of life are nothing more than a type of season. What a lucky thing that summers are long in Virginia and the winter doldrums finite.